The World Through Different Eyes

What can you do when you feel you're slipping? Do something to take your mind off of everything? Good idea, but I've been doing this for a while and it's not really helping because in reality it's not making anything better, it's just distracting me. I know that all I can do is ride through it. This feeling isn't easy to fight against, but you have to know where to say "enough!" and drag yourself out of this... quick sand that seems to consume you with such ease. There is a point where you make that choice, sink or swim, if you don't catch it at the beginning the harder it will be to rise above it. But it's not easy, it's never easy and it never will be. But I know that if I don't drag myself out of this rut then I'll just sink even lower.

I just wish I didn't have to struggle so much... At the moment we have no PAs- they've all left us. Exactly at the wrong time too because my mum's finding it hard to cope. I'm just sick of coping! Some people seem to sail through life, but others seem to stuggle. I know, life's not fair, but it's been about a week since I last briefly got out the house. It's raining and it's drizzling and it's grey and cold... Everything seems miserable and I'm stuck fast. Stopping myself from becomming too low, but struggling so much. Most eighteen year olds have a life! They have friend and extended family! They go to college or work, yet I can't do any of that. I feel like a complete alien and I hate it!! No one care if I need support... After all, I'm not in a wheel chair am I? No! So obviously it doesn't matter....

Well that's my long and pointless rant... I probably seem a little selfish, but I don't mean to be... Nobody will read this probably anyway so it doesn't matter.

So... That's about it.

Yes, spam! I've had so much trouble with spam! People coming on and posting in the Guestbook random links to spammy websites... Now I've got to the point where I can't have it open to the public. You now have to be a member to sign... I didn't want to have to do that, but I really see no other way.

But I guess there's nothing I can do about it at the moment, so, oh well...

On a brighter note I've finally put up some of my artwork and will hopefully be putting up some of my writings soon.

Well... that's really all I've got to say... I never know what to write here. xD So yeah, I'll leave it there.

I just had a chat with mum- I haven't been able to properly talk to her in a while... We were talking about fears. I know that she speaks sense, but I still can't seem to get my head to agree. "Don't let this fear control you" she says. Of course I don't want fear to control me- it's just very powerful and I'm already weak...

I have to make myself stronger though- build myself up. I CAN do it right? Right! Autism won't hold me back and neither will Depression!

Now, I'll write some phrases- as I promised to mum-

_________________________

I CAN do it! I can do anything!

-I won't let myself pull me down!

-I am much stronger than I give myself credit for!

-"Just do it! What have you got to lose?" (Quote: my mum.)

-It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me!

- I'm Autistic, nah nah-nah nah nah! (...=P)

______________________________

Now I'm going to pretend to be like Ammy (from Okami xP) when she has to defeat Yami, but has all her powers drained by evil Yami. But I don't need others to believe in me for my powers to return! I just need to believe in myself! I can be like Amaterasu- goddess of the sun! And I will shine!!

Well, I think I'll sleep on that and see what tomorrow brings!

Okay! Well this is my very first blog entry, so please bear with me! This has taken a while to type out and it's now November! But nevermind.

Our first family holiday abroad- we took two PA's, so altogether there were six of us! So...

Day 1:- Monday 14th September 2009

Mood- I just want to go home...

   We made it to Italy, yes, but right now I'd like to be home... It's been so stressful! We don't even have good weather! It's extremely muggy and there's a huge thunder-storm...

   I have a headache and I already miss the piano and the cats...I already miss home in general. Right now I'd like to rewind time and stay at home- undo everything.

   So maybe I'm ungrateful- right now I don't care. It's so damn stressful!!

***

   Well the stress is pretty much over now- but we're lost and it is POURING with rain! The stormy weather is continuing... Still, I think I'm having the most fun out of everyone!

   I've seriously never seen so much rain... And now I know what an Italian storm is really like- a lot like in that film (("Under the Tuscan Sun" in case you're wondering!)) La-la-la! Let it rain, let it rain, let it- thunderand lightening? o.O Italy's really welcoming us to its country isn't it!

   Inspiring though, maybe... Ooh! Hail! Ha-ha! I do love our wonderful misfortune! And I was expecting sunny skies when we got here! YAY! xD

***

   So tired... I really need to sleep... The villa isn't bad. It's not very homey and I still sort of want to go home... I miss everything back there...

   The people over here are quite rude also, I've noticed... They push and shove- and beep! I suppose I'm just not used to it... But I really don't think I could live here. I guess I do like England a little bit... I think I preferred it when I went to Cyprus- But then the whole thing was a great deal less stressful. I didn't have five other people to worry about, it was just two people. But yes, I knew this would be stressful...I only hope things get better- yes, including the weather!

   Although I've tried to feel inspired by Italy,so far I'm just not... The rain was a little inspiring- something different and quite exciting. But there's no way I could ever find myself in this chaos! Lifecertainly loves to test me- "let's see how much she can take until she crumbles!"

   Well, I'm not going to crumble! I may get torn to bits inside,but I will keep myself together- I shall not let myself fall apart. I have Nan to remind me of what happens if you let go. So I've learned never to let go- not even for a second! If you fall, you'll never stop. Just don't go there! Don't allow yourself to sink. No matter how comforting the darkness may feel...It's like the stranger you've always known- you can never trust it...

   Nan should be the one here with us in Italy today... The pillar that held this family together- and the one that abandoned us... Why did you do it? WHY???

   Anyway... I should listen to my own advice! Just don't think on anything that can't be changed... What is done is done and there is no time machine, we can't change things that have happened. But we can change how we look at it and of course the future...

   Now I should sleep- after I've finished listening to this song. ((I don't remember what song that was I'm afraid!))

Day 2:-

Tuesday 15th September 2009

Mood- Pretty good so far...

   So, Italy...So far it's quite pleasant. Then sun is finally shining and there is a very slight breeze. The views are spectacular. However, I'm sure I could find aneven nicer spot in this unfamiliar country.

   So far I've seen a stag beetle, what I think was a lizard, a giant bee, a beautiful butterfly that fluttered around me as soon as I stepped outside, a few thousand tiny ants and lots of cacti...

   People ride round on scooters here. Although there are still many cars, scooters and three-wheelers are extremely popular here. They do like their horns I've also learned. Everywhere you go its: "BEEP! BEEP!"Something I'm beginning to get used to now.

   Ah, now I see that the clouds are coming... could this mean some more rain?

   The thunder and lightening woke me last night and kept me awake for some time. And my shoulders hurt. The mattress was rock hard! And because everything echoes here, every sound either woke me or kept me awake.

   I don't know if I'm pleased to be here or not... I think I miss home... But I would just be bored at home anyway. So I suppose that really it doesn't matter to me where in the world I am.

   Life is extremely hard and I've realised that it really makes no difference if I'm in another country. But then saying that, I think that if I were in the place I dream of then I would be okay. I'd be happy... Or would I? I guess I'll not know until I find that place I'm seeking.

   Italy is most definitely not my ideal country. I don't think I could live here. I do think I like living in England more! But maybe somewhere in the mountains would be more for me? I loved the mountains in Cyprus and the people there. They seemed a lot more friendly.

   Maybe I should travel and never need to stay in one place! Hmm...

   Isn't life funny! Not quite funny enough to be in hysterics about, but still funny. We're born, we work, we die. Is that it?? Were we really just born to die???

   Well I'm hot now, so I'm going to go inside... But it is kind of lonely... I really miss the piano...

***

   I felt really bad earlier, I even let myself cry a bit. But I feel a whole lot better now. I'm still a little tired, but I'm okay. Now I'm not hot that's made it a little better.

   I think I'm finding it easier now that I've got to know Chelsea (PA) a little more. She came up and chatted to me, which I'm glad about because I was feeling very low and needed something to help me break out of it. Even though I have a feeling someone told her to come up...Hmph!

   ...Tans, smoking, alcohol and men... But surely that can't be what life is all about... There's got to be more... Alcohol is overrated by far- it isn't good for you and I could certainly do without it. Tans- who needs them? I don't want skin cancer... Smoking- I don't want lung cancer either thank you! And as for me- what's the rush? I don't need a boyfriend right now, I have my music! Time- there is much of it. If only we could realise that and just enjoy being young.

   We learn things everyday and we never stop learning and changing. We're still the same people, we just change our views through learning and growing. Yes, we grow, we experience more, we learn, we grow some more.

   Anyway, I'm going to sleep now- I'm tired...

Day 3:- Wednesday 16th September 2009

Mood- Coping...

   Well the weather is pretty grim again- pun really not intended! ((Tash calls our PA Zoe "Grim"- "The Grim Reaper")) There were storms through the night again and I'm still so tired...

   Tasha's being damn noisy at the moment...Following Zoe round singing randomly. It's kind of funny and annoying at the same time.

   We're going for a drive somewhere, but it's taking us forever just to get sorted. A drive will be good though.

   The sea's looking quite rough today. But then it's rather windy and not particularly warm...

***

   The weather's still not brilliant, but at least it's not raining!

   Now we've stopped by the sea...

   Well, now we're leaving again!

   Another location now. Winding roads on cliffs with the sea just below. It takes me back to Cyprus...

   The sea seems much bluer than back home. It's got to be nicer than any sea in England even! So really it can't be light being reflected because the sky's still grey here... Or maybe it can? Still, this place reminds me of Cornwall somewhat. I'm not really sure how I could judge that because I've not been there for so long. But I think I remember... And from what I remember it was more like home than anywhere else! But then I suppose I haven't really been very far...

   Have we brought the mistiness we have back at home with us then? It seems like it... Still, at least it's not raining! But I do think a bit of sunshine would be good for me, however.

   It seems I just might have my wish! I see the sun just trying to break through the clouds. Will it make it?

***

   Italy really is constant beeping! They could probably compose some sort of song with the different tones of beeping... It's quite interesting though- full of life and quite creative.

   Cars are surely the Italian's favourite things! Even better than the country? Weird, but I guess they're used to it and just take it for granted. Like I take England for granted, as much as I try not to, I admit, I get bored of it.

***

   Well here I am! We made it safely back again, despite the steering almost giving out on us! A long drive which I certainly enjoyed. It's a shame no one else did though... Oh well...

   So anyway, we got to a weird place up this cliff. It was really pretty, but I didn’t find it too interesting personally. It was just far too stressful... But then I knew it would be really...

   We went to this really old villa. It was mostly ruins of which we really couldn't see much of. For a start it was beginning to get dark andthen you weren't allowed in many places. But we wandered around anyway- reached an art gallery which we weren't allowed to see... And by this time I was cold, tired and very hungry because I had missed lunch...

   In the end though, we found a restaurant. I wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but it was really quiet and the people there were really nice. Natashia, Louis and I all decided to have pizza, whilst everyone else had spaghetti bolognaise. I have to say though, the pizza was quite simply the nicest pizza I've EVER tasted in my life!! But then, of course, we are in Italy!

   The weather still hasn't really brightened up... Well you can see a few stars now, but it's still not clear... Hopefully it will be brighter tomorrow. If not then it just has to be nice the day after! We came here for sunshine! If we wanted rain, we could have just camped in the garden!

   Well, so far this holiday's been pretty good, I suppose... It's had it's ups and downs, as anything worth anything does really...

   Oh! And I've lost my green pen in the car! I sort of want to write my Nowhereville story, but I need that pen... I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow. Right now I probably haven't got any ideas anyway.

   Time to get changed and get into bed now I guess. Someone's in the bathroom at the moment though- and as I was writing this, they came out! So... off I go I suppose! xD

   Oh, I really want to write, but I don't know what to write about! I want to write something poetic and fun! But I'm just not inspired enough... Where is my inspiration and enthusiasm then? Music is my passion truly, but why can't I write anymore? Even in a beautiful place like this, I feel too suppressed or something. Like I just won't allow myself to let it out and be me... Like a blockage...

   Oh, I wonder if there will be more storms tonight! I have a feeling there will be. But whatever, I hope the weather is good during the day.

   Well... it's peaceful, I'm tired so I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight- but wait! I should practise my Dutch now!! Okay...

   Ik ben een meisje van het UK. Ik heet Elana! Ik heb een mama, een broer en een zus. Mijn mama heet Julie en ze heeft donkergroen ogen en bruin haar. En mijn broer heet Louis en hun heeft blauw ogen en bruin haar. Mijn zus heet Natashia en ze heeft groen/blauw ogen en rood/donkerblond haar. Ik heb blond haar en blauw ogen.

   We hebben drie katten- Ruby, Sapphire en Litsy.

   We hebben een mooi huis!

   Ja en nee... De katten heeft een wit auto??! Nee dank u! Je kan niet! Ik kan! Waneer? Woe bent u? En waar bent u? Oh well...

   Goedmorgen, Jack! Ja! Ik ben het vrouw van Jack! Ik haten u Jack! Dit is Jack! Goeddag!

   Ik wil appelsap... En ik ben het piano engel van sneeuw!! Ja! Ja! JA!!! *Muahaha!!*

   Ciao!

Day 4:- 17th September 2009Thursday

Mood- Okay, for now at least...

   A sunny start, but the clouds which loom overhead seem to promise anything but a beautiful day... I don't know if it will rain or not, but those clouds don't look very promising...

   Again, another rotten night's sleep! Thunder and lightening and then more lightening and... rain! I honestly wasn't expecting such...unpredictable weather. I was sort of expecting sunshine- but I suppose I should have known really, with our luck. Nothing goes quite to plan with us!

   And we're getting ready to go to mount... something... I think? Hah! Oh and I know that I shouldn't start a paragraph with an "and"but, too bad!

   Anyway, I should really get ready now- I think my mp3 player is almost charged. I'm going to need it.

***

   Well, in the car now, but I'm stuck in the middle... I really hate it! It's horrible and I just feel so claustrophobic! Why do I have to be the one to make sacrifice? I don't think it's very fair... But there's nothing I can do about it now... I mean, I could say that I need to sit by the window, like Tasha did, but because I feel claustrophobic. But... I just have to tolerate it...

   All this business and just being out has really been tough. Now I'm facing fears and stuff all in a different country! It was painful enough just going into town where we live. So yes, it's damn hard! But I have no other choice, I have to deal with it... No one here really seems to understand that though. Just because I don't cry doesn't mean that I'm fine... I just keep most of the hard stuff to myself so that I can better keep myself together.

   Yes, I've decided now that I HATE family holidays!! I will probably be pleased to get home!

   I miss Litsy, I miss the piano like hell, I miss my bed, I miss the safety of my room... I miss the peace and I miss myself... I always miss myself, I just don't know where I went or how to find me again... Maybe I never knew me? I've looked for me everywhere I know...

   Why do I have to suppress everything so much?? I just want to let go of myself so that I can be free! Why can't I ever be free???

   A very appropriate song I think- "Rise Above This" by Seether...Yes, that I shall. I have that hole in my heart to remind me- the absence of someone who should be here in Italy with us right now...

   I do like this song though!

   Now, what to write...

   I hope it's not going to be too busy at this weird place. I'm just too tired to cope with a lot today. This stress and lack of sleep, comfort and a friend, is really exhausting me. But then loneliness is with me wherever I go... I hate being lonely... And that's just it. I'm always lonely!

   I don't know what's wrong with me really. There must be something wrong with me... I want so much to just snap out of it, but I just can't!

   Depression really sucks! No one seem to get it and there's no describing it really. It's like my love for music, eventually is will pull me down. But unlike Depression I love music. But I do love it so much that it hurts me... It's my oxygen, mum knows the feeling, I know she does. The passion for music it's like a fire, it's as strong as my will to live and yes I'd do crazy things for it.

   For music I'd jump off a cliff! For music I would cut off my arm with a blunt knife. Without music there is no life. There isn't much life as it is really, but music keeps me here. And just why I'm here is the real question. I clearly don't belong her, so what the heck am I doing here? What lesson is life trying to teach me?

   Maybe I was bad in a past life and now I'm being punished? I wish I could remember what it is that I've done wrong though... Maybe the planet, from which I've come, got overpopulated and I was ordered to go to another planet? Or maybe I volunteered to go? Or maybe-

    We're here??

***

   Here we are on our way back to the villa- And I couldn't write a minute ago because it was too dark- Gosh I'm hot! I really want to be by the window now... The wind in my face makes me feel so much better. It doesn't seem that anyone could really understand that either though. They'll just think I'm being a pain or something... But the thing is, although Louis wanted to be "by an open window", he doesn't even have the window open now! And he hasn't for about 90 percent of the journey...

   Italy is a very bouncy place. I'm struggling to write now because we're doing so much bouncing! Everything bounces here.

   Oh, now I can see again! But not for long I bet. It's pretty much dark now- And off we go...

   Now it's raining... That's annoying! I wanted to go outside when we get to the villa...

   Oh, I wish I was in love... What a wonderful feeling... Like nothing else matters. I want to feel it again. I want to fall in love again-even if it's with a stranger. He can be on the other side of the world- although long distance relationships are hard. I remember... But I also remember how wonderful it felt to know that although he was far from me, I loved him and he loved me. We didn't know each other, strictly speaking, but we still loved each other I think. And I still love him in so many ways, I'm just no longer "in" love... But when I was, it was wonderful. The most amazing time of my life so far...

***

   Now I'm back I have this really horrible feeling... I feel like we should never have gone to Herculaneum...I feel weird... like that city was buried all that time ago and it should have stayed buried... I don't know... There's just this silence- a silence that will probably haunt me forever now...

   At first when I was actually there I didn't really feel connected at all. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't connect. It was weird... frustrating even! Not being able to pick up on anything. But now I feel it... A silence... A silence like no other. The kind of silence that screams at you- so silent that you know it's anything but quiet...

   I feel a feeling of guilt now. Like I wasn't meant to be there. Like I intruded something... I almost feel sick... I'm just so sorry... I know it's wasn't my fault what happened all that time ago, but for everything that happened to those people, I am so sorry. I feel like I should feel this way too. I can't explain it...

   When I was there I really thought it was dead. Like it was so old that everything was nothing but an empty, burnt out shell... But now somehow it's hit me and I realise- It's anything, but dead! It's very much alive in our hearts and it shall remain there forever more.

   God bless all those poor people who died in that city all that time ago. They've taught us so very much even in death and I know that I shall never forget. And the feeling I feel now- it haunts me...

***

   I still can't stop thinking about that place and I know that mum can't either. I really want to talk about it with her. But she probably won't tell me because she thinks that I'd copy her. But I wouldn't! I honestly feel something now. I didn't when I was there- it was indescribably frustrating not being able to connect. But now I'm not there I do...

   It's hit me like being hit by a bus. Like a feeling of shock and at the same time- loss. Guilt, sorrow and great loss... I just feel really unsettled right now. I feel like I've disturbed someone's grave- but in this case, thousands.

   Anyway, I can barely keep my eyes open because I'm physically exhausted! So I must sleep... zzzZZZ

Day 5:- Friday 18th September 2009

Mood- Tired

   I don't know how I feel today... I can't decide it I want to go home right now or what... I'm tired and I miss everything back at home...

   To be honest, I don't want to go to all these places. I don't want to go to Pompei... I want to relax and maybe be alone for a little while.

   My head hurts again...

   I don't want to always sound so negative, but I don't really feel happy... And after yesterday I really feel that we should just leave it. I don't know why I have this feeling... I feel like I shouldn't be here or something. Like I don't belong here...

   So far we haven't actually done anything that I want to do... We were all meant to be able to have a say, but I haven't... Everything we've done hasn't really interested me. I'm just bored and tired and really don't want to do anything other than drive and explore? But we can't do that with Louis anyway. Plus I don't want to be sitting in the middle again- that was just horrible!

   So yeah, maybe I do want to go home...

***

   The sun's still shining and yes, I finally got to swim in the pool! A very brief swim to be fair. But then it's not exactly warm!

   Still, at least I feel a little better now. Not too hot and not  at all cold. I'm sitting on the balcony and it's just right. I can see the sea and the mountains. Houses and trees... It's beautiful, really it is, but it's still not the perfect view...

   Perhaps I want for too much?

   Butterfly...

I wish I had your beauty, I wish I had your wings...

I wish I had your knowledge- amongst other things!

I wish I had your colours and your wisdom too...

I wish I had the silence that draws me to you...

   Everything's prettier here and more laid back. Even the animals seem so relaxed. It's odd when you come from a world where we all have to rush. Well it's not where I belong, but I was born there, so I'm just used to it.

   Only a few more days here... Mixed feelings indeed... I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't know if it's confusion or just being dog tired...

   I suppose it's really quite pleasant out here. But there is a bit of a breeze now, so I think I shall go and put something warmer on to stop me from getting chilly.

   Hmm... now, I want to write, but I don't have a clue what I should write... I feel like I've already written enough about Italy...But then, maybe I haven't?

   The bells are so pretty. They chime a lot- although I don't exactly know how often. It's still very pretty indeed. You certainly don't hear anything that delicate sounding in England- Wait, now I hear more chiming... I don't know why it's chiming now... But it's lovely...

   I would really like to go to a quiet place here in Italy.Maybe somewhere with a little church. I'm not so interested in the history of Mount Vesuvius, unfortunately... I feel that we've done one place like that and now we should see something entirely different.

   Meh! We all need to go on separate holidays I think! I enjoy driving and exploring randomly in my own time. I really hate schedules! I don't think I'm lazy just because I enjoy being driven to places! I just feel safest in the car a lot and I really enjoy seeing things I wouldn't usually...

   I just don't like staying in one place for too long... Or maybe it's just a way of trying to get away from a world that only stresses and frightens me... I don't know! I wish I could understand me better...

   Anyway, it's quite peaceful up here on the balcony. The sun is beginning to set, but it's still pretty warm.

***

   Now I've eaten and I'm good! It's such a beautiful evening. I see the stars- and this breeze is quite lovely too.

   The pool is really warm now too- warmer than when I went in earlier!

   Yes, everything's beautiful tonight... I would like tosay more, but "beautiful" is really the only word for it. It's beyond wonderful, but really there isn't a word... It's almost not real. We are actually in Italy! I mean... really...

   The evening has definitely made me feel better. I feel more awake now- crazily!

   The sound of the water from the pool makes everything feel even more tranquil... Now I hear dogs barking somewhere- and then the sound of cars in the distance... But that's no matter. Everything is still so peaceful...

   Right now I don't ever want to go home. Crazy really, since this morning I did. But this evening is so calm and today we haven't rushed around. It's been more relaxing I think. But I think tomorrow we'll be on the move again...

   Anyway, tranquillity... And the stunning sound of the bell... I really do love the sound of it. It's so melodic. I really will miss it when we go home.

   When we go home it's going to be cold. Autumn is here and there no escaping it when you live in England.The weather gets so cold and the smell of autumn fills the air. It's like that every year... And every year I dread it because I know what it means. It means that summer is over and winter is near. I don't want winter now because it makes me feel even more lonely and sad...

   What a strange life...

   Now, "Italian ice-cream" hm? Okay, let's give it a try. I'm not a big fan of ice-cream, but I'm hungry and I have a hunch that it's going to be quite nice! Now it's just waiting for it to be served...

   ..."Italian ice-cream"- yummy! Just like most stuff here, actually! Gosh! These Italians really do know how to live! Hmm...although I don't think "I" could live here... But I could certainly live with the food me thinks!

   On that same note, I wonder what else there is to eat...Oh, nothing overly interesting. But I'm nicely full, I think. I just have a sweet-tooth!

***

   Time to sleep now and yes, I'm tired! I really don't want to see Pompei tomorrow though... I'm too exhausted and... lazy? I thought holidays meant relaxing and calm and reviving! A time to "recharge one's batteries" so to speak. Well so far it's been stressful and extremely hectic! I wish we didn't have to rush so much...

   I really want to be abroad on my own- obviously I want someone with me so I won't be ALL alone. But I don't want it to be a family thing. That probably sounds selfish, but it's how I feel.

   Now, I wonder if there will be any more storms tonight...Probably not. The silly thing is, I kind of want there to be. I'm sort of getting used to thunder and lighttening every night now.

   Gosh! I'm so tired, my eyes are closing...

   Goodnight!

Day 6:- Saturday 19th September 2009

Mood- *Yawn*

   "Rise and shine" is it? Well, yes, I've risen,but- hmm- nope! I'm certainly not shining! Nevermind that though, at least it's not raining. But it is going to be really hot. My body really does hate me at the moment! I don't blame it either really...

   Anyway- breakfast?

***

   Breakfast was a bit of something and nothing really... I tried to eat as much as I could, but I know it won't be long until I'm hungry again.

   I feel that by going to a place where a volcano irrupted years ago, we're almost asking for it to happen again, or something. Maybe that's just a silly thing to think, but don't really care.

   Italy is a strange place. All the children speak Italian- not that that's really a strange thing, since we are in Italy.But it's something I'm not used to. I still think it's strange, though. We're all human beings, but we all speak differently, depending on where in the world we come from.

   It's like, if you compare an Italian cat to an English cat- they both meow. The meow sounds just the same as any meow in the world. A cat from Italy would still understand a cat from England perfectly. I find that very strange.

***

   So, now we're in the car on the way to Pompei... Why? I have no idea really! But we are and so far I'm only enjoying the journey.

   We're in some sort of traffic jam at the moment.

   Above me there are some beautiful vines with grapesgrowing on them. I wonder what they taste like...

   Mum has been acting really weirdly... I really don't get it, she changes around different people. I guess we all do to some extent, but still, it's weird. She goes on about how she used to get drunk and smoke etc. It's like she's promoting it or something- but what?! Who is mum? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know her! She says she was like me when she was younger, but then she tells other people about how she was drunk and did all these things that I would never do... I don't really understand it- what is the truth?

   If mum ever reads this she'll probably be really annoyed...But it's just how I'm feeling, that's all.

   Anyway, I'm just going to enjoy the journey now, because that's always the best part in my opinion!

***

   Pompei- was quite boring... I mean, some of it was really interesting, but the rest, not so much. It's more an empty shell than Herculaneum- which ultimately ended up blowing me away. I'm just so tired and can't wait toget back to the villa! We walked for miles and it was so hot! My feet STILL hurt now!

   Now it looks like there's going to be another thunderstorm... And it's getting too dark to write...

***

   So we had to eat in this restaurant... I didn't want togo there in the first place. And the food was quite salty... But oh well...It's pouring down with rain and we're almost back now so I can finally go to bed.

***

   We're back, finally! Thank goodness! I just feel so exhausted now...

   Mum's being really hyper for some reason... I know she doesn't get to be like this much, but I don't know... It makes me feel sort of distant... Like I don't really know her... I just won't believe it's the real her! She loves music! I know she does! She always has and that passion never leaves! When will she remember? ...

   Anyway, I really am running out of things to write...

   I don't actually want to go home now... I'm starting to really get used to it here. I like Italyand would really like to explore it more. But more of the pretty country areas- and without mum, Louis and Tasha... I'd much rather it be like when I went to Cyprus.

   Going home will be good though. I'll finally see Litsy again- I wonder if she's missed me as much as I've missed her? I'll finally be able to play the piano! I'll finally be able to sleep in my own comfortable bed.

   The downside, however, is the weather and how crap it will be... It always is, she yes, I'm expecting it. It'll be boring and dull and I'll be bored and frustrated- as always. And the cold is really going tohit me because I'm starting to get used to the heat here. It's going to suck...And now we've got nothing to look forward to other than Christmas...

   Well... I should stop moaning! I'm lucky to be here at all! And we'll go abroad again. Hopefully I'll get a chance to go alone again someday.

   I hear the bell again! I really am going to miss that when we go back home! Such a pretty sound...

   It's decided! I like Italy! Just not family holidays. I love to travel, despite the stress of it all. One day I will travel the world! One day I'll be brave enough to go out there and earn the money too! I'll sing and tour the world! Yes... I just have to bepatient and hope that luck is on my side. If not then... I'll have to think of something else I want to do. I have to have a plan B I suppose... Hmm...

   Now, I wonder if we'll have any more storms tonight... I want some adventure, even after today! I still want adventure! Of what sort, I'm not entirely sure... But driving through mountains just isn't enough for me. I don't know... maybe I'm just weird. I just want adventure!!

   So, where to next, then? I've done Cyprus and Italy, now where? Maybe Turkey? I would love to go to Turkey someday! But then I would love to go to America someday too. Maybe California? That would be a long flight, but definitely worth it, I'm sure! And at least everything will be English I guess!

   I feel like I keep getting glared at here... I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or maybe Italians just don't like the English? Or maybe they don't like tourists in general? I don't know...

   Well, I think it's time to try and get some sleep. I'm not exactly sure how late it is... Probably not very late, but I don't care! I'm so tried!

Day 7:- Sunday 20th September 2009

Mood- Hmm...

   Well, I've had some rather... strange dreams to say the least! They've given me a few ideas- and I've actually been feeling a little inspired since the moment I first woke up! I actually woke up laughing from my first dream. Then I woke up singing from the next. It's been rather weird...

   Dark clouds loom over the mountains... More storms maybe?

   Gosh, these flies are really annoying! Buzzing around me like nobody's business! Including a hover-fly that scared me half to death! I thought it was a wasp! Phew!!

   Anyway, this is really our last full day here... And I'm not sure I'm ready to leave yet... There are still so many mountains to explore! So many places to rediscover! Oh and there's just not enough time! I haven't even taken many pictures either. I must take some before we leave.There are still a few things I would like to do before we go...

   It really is going to be weird going back to England. Everyone will speak my language and we'll all be driving on the left side of the road. And like when I went to Cyprus, it's probably not going to feel like my home for a while. My body's going to really hate me! It'll be saying: "Why the heck are you back here, in this cold damp country?!" It won't be the only one, my head's going to agree!

   Midday sun on Sunday and yes, I hear the bells ringing out. The church is only down the road, but the bells take me far away. I can't help but feel that I really haven't heard enough of them yet to actually be worthy of listening to their song. I can't help but feel that there's a church that I haven't yet seen and it's waiting for me. Calling to my soul... I like churches. I never really used to, but now they seem like a place of sanctuary- no matter your beliefs.

   The bells sing so sweetly, it makes me feel like I never want to go home. You dont' hear such sweetness in England. You instead get the heavy clanking of Big Ben- or if in our case you don't live in London, then you instead hear nothing (a boring silence,) traffic, or the sound of an average bell with no real character or meaning... Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it seems to me.

   Everything in Italy has more flavour and more colour, it seems. It's certainly odd for me, but very beautiful nonetheless.

   Well, it's lunch time and I'm hungry!

***

   ...Grr!! We decided- well not me, but it was decided that we went to Sorrento... Why? To get some random rubbish! God! One thing's for sure, this has got to be the worst part of this holiday! It was so, so SO stressful!!! If I had a meter or something to gage my stress level it would have probably exploded!

   So many people, so many sounds... And I float around like a weird ghost or something. I'm a nobody...The only difference is that people see my physical body and expect me to be normal. But I just feel like a fake! Like I'm living a lie! My body lies to everyone and people think I'm normal and then when I turn out not to be people get annoyed because they think I'm lying! I'm just not human! I'm an alien in a human's body. There is no place for me in that crowd, and at the end of the day, I just don't belong...

   This may sound really, really terrible, but... sometimes I actually find myself looking forward to death... I would NEVER be the one to cause it! I couldn't! I've seen what that does! That only destroys what's already wrecked. Nan did that to us- the rock in this family! The glue that held us together somehow... But she left us... And she's left a hole in our hearts that nothing could ever fill...

   Oh, it's starting to get ever so dark...

   Why do I have to be so damn scared all the time?! I probably just come across as a really grumpy person because when I get stressed I get snappy. Like a dog, aggravate me and I might bite... But not usually though.. I really try, but surely I can't hide it so well...

   Right! Enough of that! To be honest, I don't know what'swrong with me. I just feel weird... insecure and lonely... Scared... so scared...

   Now we're trying to drive down a road that's far too narrow... Now we're reversing... Oh, the joys of the Italian roads! Crazy isn't even half of it!

   Now, it's raining! Very hard... Yay!

   I would like to do a recap of everything that's happened over the past few days, but I think I should leave that for tomorrow. Yes, we're going home tomorrow... So much I wanted to see, but now it's all over...Everyone wants to go home apart from mum and I. So yeah...

***

   It's almost 10 PM and I have to say, today has ended a lot better! My ankle still really hurts from walking round Pompei yesterday for some reason. It's just cramp, but it's really persistent!

   There have been more storms- I do love the storms here! I think it's about finished now, though. But hopefully it will continue through the night (as crazy as that sounds!) It's really like a "farewell storm" or something. That's fine by me, because this time tomorrow we'llbe back in England with crappy weather! My question is: What the heck are we doing there?!

   Oh well... The rain is a soothing sound for some reason- I'm an odd individual! But then I myself, find storms quite comforting too...

   Yes! I heard thunder! So that must mean that the storm isn't over! I'm crazy for liking it, I know! I do feel for those poor strays stuck on the streets though... I mean, where do they go?? It practically floods when it rains here. I'd happily rescue them all! But unfortunately, it's just not possible...

   Anyway, we have three cats at home that I'm sure are missing us terribly! They probably think we've abandoned them- poor lovies!

   I'm really tired now, maybe I should get ready for bed. But I'm cold and I don't want to because I'm so tired... But obviously I have to! xD

   Goodnight!

Day 8:- Monday 21st September 2009

Mood- Meh...

   The weather's pretty bad again... and this is officially our last day here in Italy..."Moo!" Is about the only thing I have to say about that!

   Mum's stressing out about packing. I've tried to help, but I'm not really much use. I think it's only about half past nine too... Quite early for me! xD But... yes, I think I'm just going to stay out of the way...

***

   We're on our way to the airport now and it is tipping down with rain again! It's a "farewell storm" for sure! It really is what I call RAIN! I'm enjoying it thoroughly, but... I don't know about everyone else...

   Yes, there's still a part of me that really doesn't want to leave. But then another part of me is missing home a bit. I'll have my bed back, so I'll be able to sleep better. And I'll have my cat- whom I adore and miss dearly. And then I'll have my keyboard back- not to mention our wonderful piano! I don't know, it reassures me to know it's downstairs every night- yes, I'm weird, I know!!

   Round the mountains we go... I wish we drove up more. I still don't think that you can beat the mountains in Cyprus. But that really was a good place to be, no question.

   It's weird to think that we're never going to see that villa again... I only swam in the pool once- mum never did and she was the one that wanted it!

   Oh, it's going to be so nice to play the piano again! Just to feel the keys beneath my fingertips. Just the sight of that piano! Oh for that I can't wait! I know I'll never truly feel at home until I have a piano- as weird as that sounds.

   There are little streams running down the sides of the roads- more like miniature rivers really. Because it's all hills, they all run down really fast and gather into huge puddles. I've always loved huge puddles! Very big puddles- the water would go up to my ankles at very least!

   So may abandoned places here along the motorways. I wish I could explore them all and take pictures... I wonder what happened to them? A lot of them seem really quite big, like they would have been quite grand in their prime...

***

   We're finally in the air headed back to our"beloved" England! Mixed feelings as I knew.

   Anyway, we're finally above the clouds! And the sun is very hot up here. Thank goodness for air conditioning! The window is burning!

   I haven't really got much else to write... I'll probably write when we've landed and everything.

***

   We've landed, we're in England and we're finally on our way home... One part of me can't wait and the other part of me most certainly can. A long, long time... I'm not sure which part I should listen to... Not that I really have any choice anyway! I'm going home whether I like it or not.

   I know where we are now. Worthing, here we come!

   Home? Home...

***

Home at last and now it's really late so, I should sleep. I haven't much to write anyway. I'm in my own comfy bed! Yay! Goodnight!

__________________

 So that was our holiday! I know that it doesn't really give you a very clear picture because they're only words, but it will hopefully give you an idea. You really had to be there to know- but even then, not everyone can pick up on other people's stress. The whole time I was picking up on Mum, Louis and Natashia's stress as well as stressing myself. I think this is probably just because I know them.

Anyway, I have some pictures! Not many at the moment, but some...

View of the pool from the balcony. Pretty, but the pool was freeeeezing!!

Another balcony view, to the right...

Balcony... <3

A curiously odd donkey... There was just something strange about this donkey... I just had to get a picture of it before we left.

The... unusual staircase... They were nice, but VERY noisy to walk up and down!

So yes, thanks for reading!